~~Moon
Does anyone know any cute and funny jokes???if so please share.Id really appreciated it thank you!!!
Please none that are dirty or vulgar please.
Answer
ok i havent read these in a while i just rememberd i had them so im not sure if they are nasty or not but here u go ;)
Blond Jokes
Horrific Accident
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Dumb Blonde on a Rowboat
There was a dumb blonde out on a rowboat one day in the middle of a wheat field. Then another dumb blonde drives by and yells to the one in a rowboat, "It's people like you that give us a bad name!! And if I could swim I would go out there to kick your butt!!!
Game Of Intelligence
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Q. why did the blonde jump the chain lain-link fence?
A. to see what was on the other side
Redneck Jokes
Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
Backwoods High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
If twenty or more of the following apply, you should seek professional help.
You might be a redneck if...
1.More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2.Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
4.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
5.There is a stuffed opossum anywhere in your house.
6.You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
7.Fewer than half of your cars run.
8.Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.
9.The primary color of your car is "bondo".
10.You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
11.Your family tree doesn't fork.
12.Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
13.Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
14.You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
15.The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
16.The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
17.Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
18.You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
19.Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
20.The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
21.You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
22.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
23.You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
24.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
25.Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
26.You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
27.Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
28.You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
29.You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
30.You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
31.You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
32.Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
33.You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
34.You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
3
ok i havent read these in a while i just rememberd i had them so im not sure if they are nasty or not but here u go ;)
Blond Jokes
Horrific Accident
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Dumb Blonde on a Rowboat
There was a dumb blonde out on a rowboat one day in the middle of a wheat field. Then another dumb blonde drives by and yells to the one in a rowboat, "It's people like you that give us a bad name!! And if I could swim I would go out there to kick your butt!!!
Game Of Intelligence
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Q. why did the blonde jump the chain lain-link fence?
A. to see what was on the other side
Redneck Jokes
Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
Backwoods High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
If twenty or more of the following apply, you should seek professional help.
You might be a redneck if...
1.More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2.Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
4.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
5.There is a stuffed opossum anywhere in your house.
6.You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
7.Fewer than half of your cars run.
8.Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.
9.The primary color of your car is "bondo".
10.You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
11.Your family tree doesn't fork.
12.Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
13.Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
14.You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
15.The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
16.The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
17.Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
18.You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
19.Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
20.The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
21.You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
22.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
23.You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
24.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
25.Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
26.You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
27.Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
28.You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
29.You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
30.You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
31.You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
32.Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
33.You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
34.You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
3
Title Post: Jokes......???
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Rating: 95% based on 95 ratings. 4.8 user reviews.
Author: Unknown
Thanks To Visiting My Blog
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